Men: Wake Up–Misogyny Up in the Air
Almost a decade ago, I wrote an essay entitled Misogyny In the dance world: are we listening. Sadly, 10 years later, personal events push me to reflect on misogyny in the world today.
Yesterday, I boarded a plane from Montreal Back to New York, after having taught a 2-day butoh workshop in Montreal. The workshop was delightful, and I was very happy to come back home.
The plane was a very small aircraft, and I found myself seated next to a young man in very tight quarters.
Halfway through the air, he started rubbing himself under his jacket. I could not be sure at first, as I was watching a movie — but soon I realized that he was stopping every time the flight attendants were passing by, and starting again after they passed.
To be sure, I glanced at him, and there he was, with his penis exposed, masturbating next to me. I immediately confronted him.
What ensued was incredible. The young man denied his actions, and after I reported him to the flight attendants, they merely asked me if I wanted to move seats. I responded that he committed a crime, and that I wanted him apprehended when we landed, and that I wanted to file a report.
Their first response was that this was not possible — I responded, without legal advice, up in the air, that I was pretty sure that he committed a crime — indecent and lewd exposure in public, a non-consensual sexual act, and that it was my right to call the authorities. I was told that there was no proof, no witness, and that it was his word against mine.
The flight attendants, after this man exposed himself to me, also asked me to speak more quietly “because there were children in the plane”. And then after I insisted on pressing charges, they moved him to another seat, and finally agreed to have the authorities meet us when we disembarked – and only because I vehemently insisted.
Once on the ground, the police in the USA behaved impeccably; the young man was held, a report was filed, and the FBI will follow up next, as this crime was committed up in the air.
I cannot help but reflect on a few things: that in 2025, when a woman is a victim of a crime, she is still gaslit first (“this never happened” or” we are not sure it happened”), asked to be quiet, to take it upon herself to let things go instead of being taken seriously.
The problem, when men are not confronted with this type of dysfunction and criminal behavior, is that they become emboldened and are more likely to become repeat offenders, often escalating to more serious crimes against women.
If, at age 19, that man felt comfortable exposing himself on a plane, it probably means he has done it many times before.
And here is the root of the issue: not only is it criminal, it is a power play, a political issue that simply indicates how entitled men feel to take more space, take pleasure if they want to, when they want to, irrespective of their impact on women.
Would this man have done this if the person next to him were a man? Unlikely.
He targeted me because he assumed my consent did not matter, because patriarchal conditioning teaches men that women’s boundaries are optional.
What does it mean? That there in 2025, there is a systemic power imbalance and an invisible map that erases women and still makes men feel that they can get away with anything.
When was the last time a woman masturbated on a plane next to anyone?
I would venture to say — probably never.
And that is because this is not just a lewd sexual act — unwanted by me, it is a non-consensual sexual act, and it is an aggression.
I woke up this morning thinking back of my trajectory as a woman in the world, having a life review of all the aggressions, big or small, I have experienced from men, from a very young age until now. The physical, verbal, and sexual acts of aggressions that leave their marks and take their toll. All the violence from men that have punctuated my path.
This includes put-downs, having to fight for your safety from men chasing you, attacking you, harassing you, insulting you, physical assaults even, being constantly on high alert because you don’t feel safe walking on your own or just taking space in the world. Safety and confidence go hand in hand and, as a result, become luxuries for many women.
These micro and macro acts of violence have shaped my life — they are the landscape against which I became an adult.
What feels most striking is that I have dedicated my entire life to creating safe, inclusive, healing spaces through Butoh — spaces where people of all genders, identities, and backgrounds can exist without fear — and yet in the world, women are still forced to navigate spaces that are profoundly unsafe.
And in the end, it all boils down to the same: a lack of kindness, respect, and reverence against women. Because it is tempting for men to inflict any type of violence on a woman because of this ingrained misogyny. Women are less likely to fight back, speak up, and in many cases, men feel that it is women’s place to take care of all their needs.
Because to many, we matter less. Men who feel that they don’t owe anything to women do not act this way because they lack awareness, but because they rarely face any consequences and get used to operating in the world this way.
And it is up to women to stop enabling men, to speak up, and to confront bad behavior.
A woman and her daughter who witnessed the incident stopped me and thanked me for her daughter’s sake as I was getting my bags.
She understood that if a report is filed and a pattern of behavior emerges, this is less likely to happen to another woman, to her daughter, even.
I will not be silent. I am hardly a victim — in fact, by speaking up yesterday and today, I am standing up against all forms of silence that erase our dignity and jeopardize our future together as humans.
I told this young man before they moved him: you will learn consequences, and you will learn to respect women.
I don’t know if he will. My agenda in the world is to dance, to help people heal through dance, and to create beauty and harmony in the world. But I think men need to wake up and start to really evolve and take responsibility. This is not an isolated incident — it is emblematic of the severely underdeveloped male energies feeling entitled to dominate our planet today.
Men, Wake up.
We don’t want your wars, your violence, your gaslighting, your fragile egos, your patriarchal structures, or your inherited chaos.
We are tired of being your nurses and your caretakers.
Women do not exist for your pleasure, your entitlement, or your non-consensual acts.
Humanity is evolving — and men must evolve with it.
Note
When I say “men” throughout this essay, I am speaking about patriarchal male entitlement — the conditioning taught primarily to cis men. My critique is of a system, not individuals, and it is not directed at trans men, non-binary people, or queer folks who do not benefit from this structure.